 |
| Attractive is making yourself smaller, being deferential, and hedging your statements. |
After a lunch focused on women in leadership last Thursday, I realized I'm
too attractive for my own good....But not in the way that you think!
Allow me to demonstrate with a real-live example from today.
It is 4:35pm and I am walking over to the pantry for my afternoon decaf when I cross paths with one of the partners of our firm (let's call him A). A is the spitting stereotype of a major financial services firm executive. He is articulate, quick on his feet, and never seen without a beautifully pressed blazer and some sort of memo in hand. Over the course of my year at the company I've only worked briefly with him on a few small ad hoc projects. He knows me by name, of course, and we exchange greetings whenever he is in the office (which can be rare since business and pleasure call... and they call rather frequently when you're at partner level).
Today, I arrived very early (I was out of my apartment by 7:30am and in my seat by 8:00am as a result of my roommate's early morning drawer slamming habit and my consequent sleepus interruptus). And after I arrived, I plopped down behind my monitors for a solid 8 hours or so, getting up only occasionally for a coffee run or you know, take care of the two major consequences of coffee runs.
Our interaction went like this:
A: "Oh!" (Genuine shock.) "I haven't seen you recently, S."
Me: "Well yes, you've been traveling." I reminded him, confused by the statement. "How was the conference?"
A: "No, I mean, I haven't seen you all day today."
Me: "I have been here all day."
A: "Where were you?"
Me: "I guess, I sit -- I sit -- I'm in that very secretive cubicle." (What the heck am I trying to say?)
J (a co-worker): "She sits at M's old cubicle." (Well timed rescue, given my sudden loss of words.)
A: (Still astonished) "I really haven't seen you all day."
Yikes! Thank goodness face time isn't a huge part of winning favor in my job. More than anything, this interaction harkens to a revelation I had from last week's leadership lunch.
During this lunch, we were introduced to a theory of
Powerful vs. Attractive. They are the two ends of a spectrum in terms of workplace personality.
Attractive qualities are being deferential, leaning forward/using body language to make yourself smaller, not interrupting, receiving cues rather than giving cues, hedging your statements, and displaying generally greater level of niceties. Powerful qualities are being authoritative, interrupting/valuing own time, leaning back and taking greater amount of personal space, and generally exhibiting greater command. There isn't one that's better than the other; that's not the point. The point is enlarging one's own range within the spectrum.
For me, the spectrum probably lies closer to the attractive: to the deferential (allowing the partner to lead the conversation rather than directing it myself), to the hedging ("I guess", "I think", language like that) and to the personal space retracting body language (sitting behind my monitors, taking up less space, being neither seen nor heard until 4:30pm). Yes, I am attractive alright (LOL). So I can really benefit by working on being more powerful. That means, next time, I'm going to go talk to A in his office rather than relying on a chance encounter between the bull pen and the kitchen.
During the leadership lunch lecture, someone from Hong Kong had posed an interesting question:
How American is this framework? The answer:
Very.
I wonder how and why.
