Blogtober 6, 2015: "Writing" my Wrongs

To be frank with you guys, I did not feel like blogging today. 

If you've seen my New YouTuber tag (not going to bother to link and plug my channel today since just really not in the markety mood), you'll know I consider myself to be someone with thick skin. Things don't bother me. If I mess something up, then I get over it quickly and fix it immediately. Done. 

But today I completely failed at something I've dedicated full steam to for over a year, and for the first time in the longest time, I bawled my eyes out. It is doubly upsetting because I feel that I have no TIME for this. I have so much going on this week and next. So many people relying on me for my contributions to things. So many deadlines looming. I. Have. No. Time. To. Grieve. And it feels ... crushing. 

I find myself turning to words for comfort (and hope to publish it here on my public blog in due time). In the mean time, here is something I wrote 2 years ago on The Closing Belle when I was going through another hard time -- a dissolved friendship -- while also wrestling deadlines and a busy schedule (back then it was graduate school applications).  

"The Write Approach" (September 2014) 

I read somewhere … or maybe someone told me … that you’re more likely to do something if you write it down. My therapist told me to set aside “scheduled worry time” every day so that I can write down all the things I am worried about and then stew about them for some amount of time. Theoretically, knowing that I have a designated time to let my what-ifs run free would help me block out my worries when I need to (1) concentrate [e.g., when I am at work and my inner omg-omg-omg is keeping me from getting stuff done], or (2) relax [e.g., when my racing thoughts are making shut-eye nearly impossible]. So, really, according to that unidentified/unidentifiable source, and my head-shrink’s hundreds-dollar-per hour voice of reason, I should be writing in this thing more. This post will be kind of a mix of both – an impetus to get something done, and a scheduled worry time (my first scheduled worry time was 2 days ago, and I only had my phone, so I pretty much just opened a new text message and wrote down “omg what is going on/why?”) 

Today I feel like there is no way I can get done what I want to get done in the next 2 weeks. In college, when that happened, it was called everyday life. And I dealt with it with an impressive level of stoic consistency. But now, I am pretty helpless… and not sure how I regressed so much from when I was 19?! I’m not even talking about work – thankfully there’s not much going on there. It’s (1)the GMAT [11 days], (2) the Wharton interview [7 days], and (3)some emotional stuff that I’m not really ready to deal with yet but have to [moment of truth in 9 days but since we’re on the honest boat, I actually think about it quite more than I want to currently, haven’t stopped thinking about it, and probably won’t stop thinking about it after the event of the 9 days, no joke. Thanks, Anxiety].     

Anyone who knows me well knows that I like to self-diagnose. Call me a hypochondriac, but I spend at least 3 or 4 solid sittings a week browsing WebMD. I’ve actually been pretty accurate (other than the time I self-diagnosed “runny nose” and refused to stay overnight at the hospital when I in fact had bacterial pneumonia and nearly died). Anyway, all of that was written for me to say that I am pretty sure I have some form of anxiety, because I spend 99% of my time basically thinking about a few things, over and over, to such an extent that I have difficulty getting anything done. My therapist refuses to say the A word, though, probably because if she does, I’ll get a prescription from an MD, and will no longer require her leg-and-an-arm priced services. 

Today, though, I only have time to partially tackle one. And I choose GMAT, because it’s the one I have most control over. OK, what am I going to do about my 70^th percentile math score… and how am I going to do it in fewer than 11 days? I bought the Manhattan GMAT Advanced Quant book from Barnes and Noble on Friday, on the recommendation of just about every other MBA blogs out there. So far, I’ve been impressed by the material level. Over the weekend, I plowed through most of the book, leaving just one chapter, with its associated problems and the bank of additional problems in the back of the book (there are 15 “workout sets” in the back, and 25 bonus questions on the Manhattan GMAT website). 

I’m absolutely going to finish that final chapter today, and make as big of a dent in the workout sets as I can. I have social obligations every single night for the rest of this week (!!! how does this even happen?), so I know I have to really concentrate today, to maximize what I can finish. But beyond just factual knowledge and problem-tackling techniques, Manhattan GMAT has also given some good advice on reviewing your work and being honest and critical with yourself in terms of your approach. So I’m going to start doing that in the workout sets – honing my approach and minimizing the number of steps I take with each particular “type” of question to improve my time management.
Well, wish me luck, interwebs. 

Surprisingly, reading this piece,  from my 24-year-old self ("Today, though, I only have time to partially tackle one") rings so true today. I might take my own advice and take it one problem at a time :)

xoxo,
the closing belle

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BLOGTOBER: Blogging every other day in October!